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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Aspire to Inspire

It has been nearly two years since I wrote, really wrote something. I realized the vacancies inside myself were waiting to be filled by words, by thoughts, by lessons, by stories.  And so I did what only I could do: I picked up the pen and began to write.  I can't guarantee that I will post something on a weekly basis but I am motivated in the right direction.

Here is to the first entry after a long hiatus on Aspire to Inspire:


Each of us are born with a gift, but no matter how innate our gifts are, they do not flourish on their own; they take constant work, effort, and dedication to be developed into something useful and beautiful for us and the rest of humanity.

Gifts give us a reason for living, they instill passion, they produce hope, and when we are not giving our gifts to others and more importantly ourselves, we are living the unlived life.  


Using countless excuses of allowing myself to feel "jaded" by life, allowing circumstances, exhaustion, or much less productive activities to "steal" any free time I may have left in a 24 hour period, has resulted in the suffocation of my gift(s).  


My gift came to me when I was a little girl via pen meets paper.  Adventures developed into thoughts, thoughts developed into words, words developed into stories, and stories became my life.  My life is one big tapestry of words strung together to create moments worth remembering and moments worth forgetting.  I am all of who I am today because of my stories, and it is through those stories wherein I know that writing is to me like breathing is to us all: giving sustenance and life.  Writing has often been my priest—my go to confessional that leaves me feeling a little less weighted down, a little more relieved, a little more rejuvenated and motivated to live a better life.  

Writing is my gift.  

When I am not writing I am not living. And so although I may not be able to change my certain set of circumstances which prevent me from allowing myself any real time of "self-fulfillment", I am going to choose to stop living the unlived life.  I am going to pick up the pen and write again.  Write about things—valuable, invaluable, random, incoherent—that actually mean something to me.  Because if I am not me, who am I?  I am just another person sitting on the sidelines waiting for SOMEONE to throw me the ball, to motivate me to run towards an anticipated reward . . . waiting, waiting, waiting, for THE RIGHT MOMENT, waiting for SOMEONE to induce action, when in reality life rarely gives you the RIGHT MOMENT, and SOMEONE rarely ever comes along.  The MOMENT is NOW and YOU are the SOMEONE.  

Here's to picking up the pen . . . here's to embracing the gift, here's to living a more fulfilled life.  

Valentines Day



Valentines Morning




































Amari's Valentines
Beck's Valentines for his friends

Mike made this box for Becks; he loved it!




Becks giving Amari Valentine loves



Trying to find their V-Day boxes

Heart French Toast for breakfast 

Becks loved helping me make this heart pizza for dinner 


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Amari is Hospitalized

This year has already proven to be one of trial and hardship with me spraining my ankle and wrist the beginning of the year, all of us coming down with sicknesses that lasted through January, us facing a scary snow storm (worst the state of Alabama has ever seen), and now this turn of events: both kids getting extremely sick and Amari ultimately hospitalized.  

It all started about two weeks ago when Beckahm came down with a serious sickness.  We didn't know what it was but we took precautions when we noticed he was unable to swallow, he kept drooling, he was in a lot of pain, and a rash developed all over his body.  We took him into Urgent Care and met with a fantastic doctor who was so helpful.  She tested Beck's for strep and he tested positive; she looked at his rash and said it was Scarlet Fever.  He was put on antibiotics and we were told that he was to basically be quarantined until he fully recovered (about a week).  I was also told that I needed to try and keep the boys separate, which was something I was obviously incapable of doing.





This all happened about 4 days before Amari's first birthday which I had already been planning and preparing for.  We played things by ear and Beckahm became better pretty quick after getting on the antibiotics.  
A few days later, about Valentine's Day, Amari woke up with goopy eyes (red, and watery).  The next day Amari was running a high fever, seemed to be pretty unhappy and right before he was to go to bed he threw up all over himself.  We administered medicine to him and let things ride out.  He didn't seem that bad the morning of his birthday so we kept the party as planned, although he was miserable as the birthday party went on (poor baby).  After he woke from his nap on his birthday he just seemed miserable.  I had this feeling that he was getting strep.  His fever was 102, so we took him into a different Urgent Care facility where they supposedly tested him for strep and it came back negative.  The doctor told us time and again that babies "can't get strep," and he was self-assured that Amari had nothing but a "common cold." My gut was telling me otherwise.  We could do nothing but wait and watch the poor little guy get worse and worse as the next two days passed.  He had a fever that would not break, for 5 days it was running over 100.  And the most alarming thing was this huge, golf size ball, swollen lymph node that was surfacing on the left side of his face.  As the swelling continued to get bigger and bigger and as he became more lethragic and miserable (wanting nothing but sleep and for us to comfort him), I went back into Urgent Care on Monday.  They didn't have a pediatrician on hand so they told me I had to go to another clinic, but I knew I had to find the same doctor that treated Beckahm so I called the corporate office and tracked her down.  Amari and I rushed to see her at another clinic a half hour away.  When we finally got in to see her she was extremely alarmed when she saw him. He had a rapid heart beat, his fever reached a high of 104, and he wasn't moving.  She tested him for strep and he was positive.  She was really worried about he lymph node that was swelling on his neck and how large it had gotten.  He had also started developing a rash.  Needless to say Mike and I were livid at the Doctor we saw on Saturday who told us Amari had nothing but a common cold and that babies could not get strep.  The doctor prescribed antibiotics and told me to make a follow up appt on Wednesday.

Tuesday morning the doctor called to check in (again, she has been one of the best doctors I have ever encountered; so grateful that she made a personal call on Amari).  He wasn't doing any better so she told us to bring him in on Wednesday for a follow up.  Wednesday we took him in and she checked him and said the swollen lymph node was a concern but it also was common for such swelling to last for a few weeks.  She prescribed Amari a higher dosage of antibiotics and then she did some blood work.  After the blood work was completed she came in with a look of concern on her face.  She told me she wasn't pleased with the results.  His white blood count was 3x above average and there were other irregularities she was concerned about.  She told me to take him to the ER at Children's hospital where they would most likely hook him up to an IV to administor antibiotics.

I was so worried and concerned after getting her proffessional opinion.  I tried not to panic as I called Mike to tell him we had to take Amari to Children's.  We came home, packed our bags and took Amari and Beck's to the hospital.  The ER was a nightmare, it was the longest waiting game.  They were immediately concerned with the lump on Amari's neck and said they would have to administer a CAT scan to see what the problem was.  They also had to out an IV in him. It was the hardest thing watching them put that IV in him.  He was so brave.  They couldn't thread him the first time so after getting his blood work done they had to stick a needle in his other hand.  The second time around he cried in a lot of pain.  After the IV we waited and waited and finally they had me take him in to get his CAT scan.  As I watched them strap him down on the bed and wheel him into the machine that examines the brain, I just kept thinking of all of the children that have to go through this procedure on a daily basis; those who are terminally ill and spend their entire lives in a hospital.  My heart went out to them and their families, I just couldn't imagine having to go through something like that.  I only hope Mike and I are in a position to help people in such need one day.  Amari did so well during the CAT scan; he didn't move, he didn't cry.  He loved staring at this video image of fish they had on the ceiling.  

After waiting for the CAT scan results we were told that he had an abscess and that he would need surgery to get the infection out.  The news just seemed to be getting worse by the hour.  They told us we would be in the hospital 3 days, closely monitoring him, administering his antibiotics via and IV and undergoing surgery.  I just couldn't believe this was happening.  I couldn't believe that here we were, nearly one year later, to the day, in a hospital with Amari for entirely different reasons. 

The following day and a half seemed like a blur.  They got us situated in a hospital room and I stayed with Amari the first night while Mike stayed with Beck's at home.  Amari was in a lot of pain, he was annoyed with the IV, and it was hard for him to maneuver around. All he wanted for the first few hours after getting his IV was for me to hold him.  He hated the hospital bed so he pretty much slept on and off in my arms.  He also got restless late into the evening and wanted to play and move around.  The nurses kept coming in to check his vitals . . . needless to say it was a sleepless night.  

The following morning the throat, ears, and nose DR came to check on him and said that surgery would be this morning.  I called Mike to have him drop Beck's off at our friends (thank goodness for friends during a time like this, especially when family is so far) and come to the hospital.  Mike ended up getting to the hospital after he was taken into surgery.  I got Amari prepped for surgery (the hardest part was not allowing him to eat or drink anything since 12 midnight)—washed, put in a night gown, and wheeled down to the operating room.  I met with the anesthesiologist and the Dr. performing the surgery and they assured me the surgery was quick and easy.  It was so hard to say goodbye to the little man and to turn him over to a strangers care.  My stomach was in knots the entire time as I sat in the waiting room watching the surgery tracker.  They said it would take some time to get him ready, prep him, etc., so when Mike arrived I went back to the room to put my contacts in.  When I came back down stairs the Dr. was talking to Mike.  I felt sick to my stomach, not wanting to know why he was out of surgery so quick.  I came in on the last few moments of their conversation and the Dr. briefly filled me in on what he had already explained to Mike.  They said when they cut him open they found that he didn't have an abscess, he had a cyst.  His wound was way too infected and inflamed for them to do surgery, so they put gauze soaked in antibiotics in the wound and told us that they were going to prescribe him antibiotics and that we'd have to wait for the infection to go away before they could reschedule surgery and remove the cyst.  I was so upset and frustrated.  I just wanted this to be done.  Apart of me questioned why they even had to cut him open in the first place; apart of me wished I had gotten him on the other antibiotics prescribed by DR. Hall (our Urgent Care Dr.) and waited for the inflammation to go down as she said it would take a few weeks.  But I guess it is better safe than sorry; how were we to know?  

Amari had to stay in the hospital one more night and then they released him in the morning (I think due to our insurance refusing to pay for another night).  Mike stayed with him the second night and said he seemed to be doing a lot better; he was up moving around, etc.  Beck's and I drove to pick Amari and Mike up from the hospital; I was excited to have him home.  They told us upon discharge that surgery was rescheduled for March 11 and in the mean time to keep administering antibiotics 2x a day and to pull and inch of gauze out of his would daily (one of the nastiest things to watch).  

It was so good to have him back home.  He was so happy to rest in his own bed, to be around things familiar to him, to see his brother.  This entire experience has made me grateful for the life we have, even when it is dull and boring.  It could always be worse, we could be living at the hospital with a terminally ill child.  I am also so overwhelmed and grateful for the kind acts, love, and prayers from people Mike and I know and don't know.  I can't believe the outpouring of love that came when people heard the news.  It made me realize how wonderful and necessary humanity is; how important we are to each other.  This is the post I made on FB: 


These past few days have summoned nothing less than fatigue, stress, and a roller coaster of emotions. I have been so overwhelmed by the amount of love, prayers, and kind thoughts sent our way on behalf of baby Amari and our family.


I just wanted to publicly thank all of you who have been thinking of and praying for our little boy. We have been strengthened by your prayers, kind words, love, and faith. Such kind acts are beyond appreciated at such difficult times in ones life. I only hope I can pay it forward and extend my hand to any of those who need it at any time, for any reason.I have already learned so much from this experience, one of which is the beauty, strength, and importance of humanity. We may not know each other as well as we'd like, we may not see or interact with each other on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis, but there is always a way to be there for one another—to extend the proverbial helping hand—even through a silent, thoughtful prayer.On behalf of my little family, THANK YOU, and may God bless your life for taking a moment to bless ours.

Now it is just a waiting game; we wait and hope that the antibiotics kick in and that the inflammation goes away and then take him back in March 11 and hope the cyst is benign.  I feel exhausted, I feel sad that my baby boy had to go through this, but I feel peace. I know he is going to be okay and I know I will be a stronger, better mom because of this experience.  

It has been precious to see the increase of care, love, concern, and protection Beckahm has had for his brother.  He cares so much about Amari.  The other day he told me when Amari goes back to the gym that he will protect his brother from any bad guys :).  

Here are all the pictures and footage of this nightmare.  



 Here you can kind of see the lump that was starting to swell on the left side of his neck. 
 Urgent Care (when things were looking really bad)


Amari at the ER















Amari getting an IV 


Getting and IV the second time :(







What a brave little boy













Sleepless in the hospital





My poor, miserable little baby






Morning of Surgery


Amari getting ready to be wheeled into surgery







Surgery tracker 

  

Post surgery: happy to be in Daddy's arms




 Thank goodness for good friends; so grateful that I am surrounded by people who were able to help out during such a difficult time in our life.  This was Beck's playing at Wendy's house with Rhett and the kids while we were in the hospital with Amari. 


It was my night to stay with Becks, while Mike took care of Amari in the hospital.  We spent the night playing ninjas :)
















 Welcome home August Amari!! We were so elated to be able to take care of our little boy at home; there is no place like home! 




So grateful for Auntie Michelle who was so generous and thoughtful and sent us these care packages while in the hospital.  You don't realize how important this kind of stuff is until you are in this type of situation.  So grateful for family!


Amari was so happy to wake up in his crib after being in the hospital for two nights and he was so excited to see big brother





First breakfast at home after surgery; he was so happy to be in his own home. 





 Getting outside for a morning walk after being stuck inside all week.  

Amari's nasty battle wound.  




Finally getting out to get some sun