I guess I will start out by writing what happened Friday morning, the morning Beckahm made his way to come into this world.
I woke at 4am feeling really bad contractions. I didn’t know if it was just me or if they were intensifying (hard to say after all I have been through and endured with labor symptoms the past few weeks), so I decided to wade it out and see if they got worse, which of course they did.
The crazy person I am, I tried taking my mind off the pain and began cleaning my house frantically till about 7am when Mike woke. By then I could barely breathe, hovering over my stomach then walking it off when a contraction came and went. I tried just laughing them off because I didn’t want to give Mike any false hope. He saw me in pain, worse than I have been, and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I wanted to keep our "breakfast date". I was determined to remain on course even though Mike was very leery about the entire thing. So there we were walking across the street and attempting to have breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I was getting up to go the bathroom every 15 minutes when a contraction came on, and they just kept getting worse and worse. I no longer felt I could manage through the meal so I asked Mike to ask the waiter for our check and off we were walking back home. I started crying as we walked through the parking lot to our apartment because the pain was so intense. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it to the hospital. I kept having to stop in the parking lot to lean over, trying to manage the pain. When we were nearing our apartment I told Mike we needed to get to the hospital immediately; the adrenaline really kicked in at that point. I could tell Mike was so anxious to make sure we got everything in the car. I could barely make it up our stairs but some how I managed. I used the bathroom, grabbed my bags, said goodbye to Nika—telling her we’d be bringing home a baby brother— and off we went. The drive was excruciating. I seriously thought Beckahm was going to pop out right then and there in the car. I told Mike he was going to have to deliver our baby, which didn't thrill him to say the least. The entire thing was straight our of a movie, me screaming like mad and Mike driving like mad to the hospital. He was swerving in and out of cars, and even drove over into a turning lane to pass all the other cars getting ready to take off at a green light. I was so thankful he was there for me every step of the way.
15 minutes later we arrived at the hospital. Mike dropped me off at the front door while he parked. I waddled to the elevator, almost passing out on the way up. To make matters worse, I went to the wrong floor and had to get back on the elevator and go down a level. I wandered down the hall asking where I was supposed to check in; everyone seemed to be calm which boggled my mind because I was ready to scream. I arrived at triage only to be greeted by yet another calm nurse taking her sweet time having me fill out all of this paper work prior to checking me in. Despite Mikes frantic arrival and my noticeable pain intensifying she continued taking her sweet time to check my weight before admitting me. I have to confess I wasn’t very pleasant with her, which I regretted later.
I got changed into my gown and situated myself on the bed before a nurse came in to get my blood pressure and to check how far I was dilated; go figure I was at a 7! I immeditately asked, almost pleading, if I could still get my epidural or if it was too late. They took me to a delivery room, got everything all hooked up and the anesthesiologist came in and went through the procedure before administering the epidural. I honestly don’t even remember the pain of the large needle they used to insert the drug into my back because the remedy was that outstanding. About 15 minutes later I felt like I was flying first class. I was relaxed, the pain wasn’t as intense (I could barely feel the contractions), and my body started to go numb from the waist down. The Dr. came in to check on me, broke my water, and said I should be dilated to a 10 in a few hours, so Mike and I sat for the next two hours anticipating Beckahm's arrival.We couldn’t believe he was finally coming; we’d been waiting for this moment forever.
Around 2pm I started having more intense/frequent contractions and the nurse came in to diagnos me at a 10; I was ready to push. I tried pushing for about 15 mintues before Dr. Austin arrived. It was the hardest thing to do because my legs were completely numb. Not only could I not hold them up on my own but I couldn’t feel where they were telling me to push. Pretty soon I got aggravated with the nurse telling me to push harder and focus my pushing on where her fingers were. Mike had to help me hold my legs up because I couldn’t do it on my own. I was so grateful he was there to help me and support me through it all. Beckahm’s heart rate started to get slower so the nurse put an oxygen mask on me to get more air to Beckahm. Dr. Austin tried helping me push for about 30 minutes more with no success. She wasn’t happy with the progress; every time I pushed Beckahm’s head would show but as the contraction ended he’d go back in and his heart rate would drop significantly. My heart sank; I felt sick inside not knowing whether or not my little boy would be okay. After the last time I tried pushing I could see concern on the Doctors face. Pretty soon she told me they were going to have to do an emergency c-section because the cord was wrapped around his neck and his heart rate wasn’t getting any better. I immediately became discouraged and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I looked at Mike with fear in my eyes. This is something I had prayed throughout my pregnancy would not not happen. I trusted Dr. Mckernan when he told me there was no way I’d have to go through a cesarian with how well Beck was positioned, how great my placenta was, etc. I started loosing it, not knowing if I could accept the news. Mike could tell how hurt I was about it and asked the Dr. if there was anything else we could try before having to do a c-section. The Dr. explained the situation and said there was no way I’d be able to have a vaginal delivery and still have a healthy baby. All I wanted was for Beckahm to be okay so I accepted the news and shortly thereafter I was taken off the equipment, given an increase of medicine, and wheeled to surgery.
Mike had to go into another room and get all "suited up" before coming into surgery to be by my side. They administered another two drugs, poked me with needles to make sure I felt no pain, placed the curtain up so I couldn’t see anything (which I specifically asked to have happen, I did not want to see anything). Mike was holding my hand, and before I knew it I was cut open and in 5 mintues they pulled Beckahm out of me. It is incredible how I felt nothing even though I was completely awake and alert. All I kept thinking was “I pray Beckahm is okay", and kept waiting to hear his cry. All I wanted was to hear his cry. Before I knew it I heard the Dr. say “here he is,” but I heard no cry. Within a few seconds the most beautiful sound emanated in the room; the Dr. removed the cord and there it was—my boys beautiful voice. I can not describe the emotions that passed through me at that moment; in fact it was so special and so sacred to me I can hardly expect any words to do that moment justice. I immediately started crying, feeling so much love in my heart for this little boy that Mike and I were so blessed to create. I felt such a strong bond to him; this intense sense of motherhood washed over me.
I couldn’t wait to see my little boy; I wanted him right at that moment, to kiss him, hold him, and tell him how much I loved him. Mike immediately stood up when they pulled him out, and went to be with him as they cleared his nose, washed him off, measured and weighed him, and dressed him. He told me later what an emotional experience it was seeing Beckahm for the first time; he couldn't stop crying. It was such a special moment for him to see his boy and to hold him in his arms for the first time.
Soon thereafter the nurse brought my baby boy over to me for me to see and touch for the first time. They told me he was 7 lbs 10 oz, and 19” long (later we found out from the Pediatrician that he was really 21 1/2” long). My little guy had the most beautiful olive skinned face and was wearing a little blue hat. His eyes were closed and his face was scrunched up. So many emotions washed over me. I turned my head to see his face and with tears spilling down my cheek said “hello Beckahm, my baby. It is so good to see you; I love you so much!” I touched his head with my hand, aching to hold him in my arms. I kissed his face and kept talking to him, telling him how much I loved him.
It was heart breaking to see them take him from me. All I wanted was to hold my baby. Mike went out with him into the nursery while they stiched me back up (the Dr. and nurses were incredible; the surgery went really well and was over before I knew it, total of 20 mintues). It went so well that later I contemplated getting a cesarean with all my future pregnancy’s.
After the surgery was over, the Dr. assuring me everything went perfectly, I received more pain meds and was wheeled back to recovery where I was only supposed to stay for 30 minutes.Shortly after Mike joined me, and after they injected me with more drugs because I was feeling nauseated (they gave me two different drugs to help with the nausea, morphin to help with the pain, two doses of the epidural med, and motrin with another drug in it), my body started to tremble. At first the nurse said it was normal for the body to go into a state of shock after this kind of surgery; however, after about 10 minutes my body started to move uncontrollably on it’s own. I started to get scared when I started feeling a lose of control over my limbs. My head started moving back and forth a mile a minute, my legs started shaking uncontrollably, as well as my arms. Everything on my body was shaking hard enough that the bed I was on started to move back and forth rapidly. I was in so much pain from the incision and all of the strain my moving body was causing. After I yelled out to the nurse asking if my condition was “normal", her response being “no I have never seen anyone shake that badly,” Mike, extremely worried, asked if there was anything they could do for me. The nurse called the anesthesiologist who came along with a few other nurses, and they just stood around my bed, looking at me like I was a freak show.
Everything after that was pretty much a blur. I felt myself going in and out of a state of conciousness/unconciousness. I remember asking the nurse, after the anesthesiologist said they didn’t know what was causing my trembling (they thought it might be one of the drugs injected into my system, possibly the motrin) and that there was nothing they could do but have me ride it out, to be straight up with me, and tell me the truth about whether I would make it through this, whether I would be left with permenant damage, etc. As she was wheeling me back to another room she assured me everthing would be okay. As the minutes, and hours passed on nothing seemed to get better, in fact things got worse. I started fearing if I would ever see my baby again, if I would ever hold him and more important be around to raise him. I started fearing this was the onslaught of Parkinson’s (something my Grandma got when she was 30). All of these fears started running through my mind. I even told Mike, at one point, when it just didn’t let up and I felt I couldn’t go on any longer because the pain was so intense and exhausting, to take care of Beckahm and let him know how much I loved him. It was such a traumatic experience for Mike, feeling helpless, seeing me there in such a condition, neither of us able to be with our new born son.
I also felt sick inside knowing that I couln’t breast feed Beckahm right away. After a few hours the nurse told me I needed to make a decision whether to have the nurses bottle feed him for his first feed or wait and see if I could breast feed. I started crying wondering why this was happening to me, why I couldn’t feel 100% so I could take care of my newborn. Eventually, after 6 hours of shaking uncontrollably, I had to make the decision to have them feed him for me; I couldn’t hold him in my arms, much less breast feed, with all of the convulsions I was having.
Mike was so wonderful with me. I asked him to stay with me; I was terrified to have him leave my side, and he did, holding my hand, brushing my hair back, speaking positive affirmations to me in my ear. I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without him. When it started to get worse Mike called people in the ward, trying to find someone who could come and help administer a blessing. The response was incredible, people were chain calling within minutes, and so many people volunteered their time and service to come and help. Our home teacher ended up coming to the hospital to help Mike give me blessing. I don’t really remember what was said, where I was at the time, or even that Brother Stoor was actually there, I was so out of it. The RS president also came to the hospital to check on me. I felt bad because I don’t remember greeting her kindly; looking back it was felt surreal that she was even there, I remember seeing her face but everything started blurring together.
After enduring this traumatic experience for 7 hours straight, my body started to stop shaking just enough to have them bring in Beckahm so I could hold him and attempt to nurse. I got so emotional holding him in my arms, seeing his face in full for the first time. He was so beautiful.I couldn’t believe he had that much hair and that it was so black. His skin was gorgeous—he inherited my moms olive complexion—and he was so calm and peaceful.
I was nervous about my first feed mainly because I was afraid he wouldn’t latch on, but also because I didn’t want him to see me like this (my body convulsing). Then the most incredible thing happened: I put him on my breast and not only did he immediately latch on, but as soon as he started feeding all of my trembling disappeared. Mike sat in awe as he made the comment “Beckahm is the only thing that made it go away.” It was such an incredible, intimate, and sacred moment for me and my new family. I felt so much peace and satisfaction with my life sitting there with my husband and my newborn son, like everything was finally as it was meant to be. I have spent so many years going from one thing to the next, seeking fulfillment and satisfaction, realizing at that moment, it was only now that I had achieved what I had been looking for. Being a mother is the most incredible experience; to look upon this child knowing you helped create him is beyond amazing. I will never forget the birth of Beckahm and all of the sacred, beautiful feelings I felt bringing him into this world. I am so grateful Mike and I waited for him to come on his own; that we listened to our intution and knew it wasn’t right to induce two weeks prior. How grateful I am to the Lord for guiding our lives and being aware of our needs as individuals. What a loving, trusting Heavenly Father to send one of his precious souls to us. I hope we can do the best job at raising him unto the Lord.
The hospital, although nice and helpful, was hard because they kept coming in during the night to check my vitals, give me my pain meds, etc. Mike and I barely got any sleep during those days. He would go home in the mornings for a few hours to rest and make sure Nika was okay and then come back in the afternoon. I always loved when he came back to be with me and Becks; I love being with him and our son; there is nothing that brings me greater joy.
We packed all of our things and were discharged Monday afternoon from the hospital. I must say some of the nurses that took care of Beckahm and me were incredible. They just loved him to pieces. Everyone in the hospital commented on his incredible hair and how much they loved him; he was the “favorite” baby there. Some nurses were definitely better than others, but I was so grateful the nurses who sincerely cared about me and were there to help me through everything.I was so excited to get home and introduce Beckahm to his new surroundings. Mike loaded all of the things in the car, paid half our bill (the total was $2000 which we were pleasantly surprised about, we thought it would be more expensive), and then he came and got me and B. A nurse accompanied us, wheeling me down stairs in a wheel chair and helped us get B in his car seat. I was beaming as we were driving home; I had butterflies in my stomach. So many emotions were surfacing inside of me; I couldn’t believe that I was finally a mother. I honestly have never felt so content and at peace within myself. I feel so elated about this new journey in my life. Mike was excited as well and he was a bit nervous to drive with B in the car (extra cautious
Beckahm was asleep when we drove up to our apartment but right as we were walking up the stairs and got to our front door he opened his eyes. As I walked into our house, I was greeted by Nika; she was so excited to see me and I was equally excited to see her and to introduce her to Beckahm. We put his car seat down on the floor to let her see him and she propped herself up on his seat to peer at him; he just sat and stared at her. It was at that moment that I lost it.Tears started to pour out of my eyes, I got so emotional feeling the relief that we were all together at home, that now our little family was complete. It was such an incredible moment, one I will always keep close to my heart.Mike held Beckahm as we walked around the apartment, introducing him to each room and letting him get familiar with his surroundings. We held him, I fed him, and rocked him for the first time, and then we laid him in his new crib to sleep. What an incredible feeling it is to have his sweet spirit in our home. I am addicted to him; I honestly can’t get enough of him. Sleep has literally fled; I want to stay awake all day/night anticipating when he is going to wake and look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. I love my little man so much; I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
All of my "Coming Home" pics:
The first week with Beckahm was incredible. He seemed to get himself on his own schedule quickly. Thankfully he didn't have his days/nights confused, and we have been fortunate, since he came home from the hospital, to have him already sleeping through the night. His schedule is as follows:
Wakes at 5 or 6 am, feeds for 40 minutes on one breast (so he gets the “last course” or hind milk), stays awake anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour or more, during which time I change his diaper and we have activity time (sing, read a book, go outside, lay by the pool, tummy time, etc.), then he goes down for a 1 ½-2 hour nap (he loves napping more in the morning for about 3 or so hours, and stays awake longer in the afternoons), and then in the evening he gets a sponge bath every other day or third day, and then I “cluster feed” him in the evening every two hours (he usually goes no longer than 3 hours between feeds except for the cluster feeds), and last but not least I do a “dream feed” at 11, and then he sleeps from 11:30-6am. He has been such a good boy; the only time he cries is when he is trying to tell us something: “I am hungry,” “I am cold,” or “I am tired", or when he wants his binkie which he is addicted to. Other than that he is such a calm, happy, and content baby.
Nika has been jealous of Beckahm unfortunately. She pretty much stays away from him. I feel bad that I don’t spend as much time with her anymore; hopefully that will change when I get the hang of things. I love my kitty!! About the 10th day in she started to warm up to him a little.She loves to sit on the ottoman of my rocking chair while I feed him, and she loves to watch people hold him. Hopefully they will be the best of friends one day.
The Pediatrician’s appt didn’t go as we expected; we have decided to find someone else. But we did find out that he is actually 21 ½ “ long and he weighs 7 lbs 4oz (what he weighed the day we left the hospital; they assured me it was normal for babies to drop weight the first week or so especially breast fed babies). Everything else looked great; the Dr. said he was doing awesome.We were so proud of our little man getting through his first Dr. appt. It is never easy having to lie naked under a spotlight on a cold table with a blue plastic sheet around you, having a stranger poke and prod you, but he managed it well.
One of my favorite moments with Beckahm and Mike was when Mike played a lullabye one night to him as he laid in his crib; it was the lullabye his mom used to sing to him as a baby called “Baby of Mine,” by Bette Midler. Beckahm was in his crib, swaddled and calm, and Mike played it for him on his computer. As we all listened to it the strongest emotions overcame Mike; tears started falling from his face as Beckahm gazed into his eyes out of the side of the crib. Beckahm was so calm and peaceful; he loved listening to the song. And he loved looking at his daddy and could feel how special this song was to him. In that moment there was an instant bond created between daddy and his boy; it was another special/sacred moment I will always keep close to my heart. Every time we play that song Beckahm gets so quiet and calm and just lays there looking at the ceiling remembering that special moment with his daddy. It is amazing how much babies love and understand music.
For some funny reason Beckahm loves to pee on daddy. One day he peed on him 3-4 times while changing his diaper. One incident that made me laugh so hard was when I was shooting photos of Beckahm with Mike. Beckahm was naked and Mike was getting ready to hold him for a shot when all of a sudden he started pooping, bare naked, down Mikes arm, and onto the carpet. I could barely contain myself; it was the funniest thing ever. I swear, every chance that kid gets to be “free” he takes advantage; we think he wants to leave his mark on everything in the house. He even peed on Grandma when she came to visit.
By the second week Beck was laughing and smiling more each day. In fact when Grandma Eastman came to visit and she was tending him while I ran to get gas in the car she told me how during his sleep he belted out this huge laugh that sounded more like a grown up then a baby. Our hearts melt each time we see him smile or hear him giggle. I LOVE his laugh!
From day one I thought Beckahm looked more like the adult version of his daddy and didn’t resemble much of me at all (he does have his Grandma Eastman and Mama's hands—long fingers— and he has his Mama's ears). However, when Grandma Eastman came to visit she proved me wrong by showing me pictures of when I was baby. Mike and I couldn’t believe the spitting image of me and Beckahm; you would think we were twins. I even had the exact same spiky black hair. So I guess he does have some of his Mama in him after all J.
Beckahm is already so strong—he has such long legs that are nothing but muscle and he can hold his head up so well at 1 week. He loves sucking and LOVES his binkie. In fact the only time he really cries is when he wants more sucking time on his bink. After the first week things got a bit frustrating trying to get him to sleep without it (I would have to keep going back in his room to put it back in when it would fall out), but I maintained the “shush pat” method I learned in “Baby Whisperer” and after a few days it seemed to cure the problem. Uncle Jared says it shows how smart he is that he already has found his hands; he loves to put his hands in his mouth to suck although he finds more satisfaction sucking on his binkie.
Beckahm LOVES his dad. He loves it when dad sings to him, flys him high in the sky like an airplane, reads to him, naps with him, and simply talks to him. He always gets so quiet and calm whenever he is around his dad. One very special moment was when Mike gave him a blessing. He was so quiet and still as Daddy blessed him to have a calm spirit and be a healthy and strong boy. It was such a beautiful moment to be apart of. I am so grateful Mike has the priesthood and can bless our little boy; there is such a significant difference having that power in our home to bless our lives and protect us.
Grandma Eastman taught Beckahm to love sleeping on his stomach. He sleeps in every position now—stomach, back, and side. He loves sleeping in Mommy and Daddy’s bed. In the morning when he is still half asleep cooing or grunting Mike will go and get him and lay him between us to finish sleeping before he wakes to feed. He is so adaptable as far as sleep in concerned—he can sleep on the couch, in our bed, in his car seat, or in his crib. He also never wakes by noise.We can leave the door open, play music, talk, run the blender, even run the vacuum and he remains dead to the world.
It is so crazy to see his personality coming through into the second week. He talks more in his sleep and grunts when he is on the breast feeding. A few days last week he got a little feisty with me but I soon realized it was because I got him off his schedule which made him disoriented, and he was also having a bit of a tummy ache. Once I got him back on his schedule and started regulating what I was eating he went right back to being his “angel self”.His hair has started changing color and is looking more strawberry blond than brown. We will have to wait to see if he will end up with red hair or if it will turn blonde like Mikes and mine did as babies. It keeps growing like a weed however; we thought he would start loosing it but it just keeps growing straight up. He is our little hedge hog.
His umbilical cord fell off the 18th. I was changing him out of his sleeper and it fell off; kind of gross, but his little cute belly button is now all grown in J.
Breast feeding has been so great for me; Beckahm latched on perfectly at the hospital and things went pretty smoothly the first week. By the second week I was getting really sore and bruised which I later found out was due to the pump, but things started to get better in a few days after Jared, my brother-in-law, recommended putting castor oil on them, wrapping saran wrap around them and putting heating pads on them. Other problems with breast feeding have been back pain (something I have had since before I got pregnant when I pulled it out), and it is definitely a lot harder nursing in public than I imagined. I also have to be careful with what I eat because he seems to be sensitive to the same food allergies I am (gluten and dairy), but I had to suppliment with formula at the hospital for a few feeds to get rid of his jaundice and he was allergic to the formula, so breast milk is ultimately the best for him.
As far as my incision is concerned I got my staples removed a week after surgery. It was a painless procedure that took maybe 3 minutes. They told me I need to give myself 6 weeks to heal, which is going to be super hard for me because I miss working out and being active already. These past few weeks I have NOT been taking it easy as advised. I should be taking more naps—napping when B naps— but instead I have been doing laundry, cleaning, working on projects with my mom, running errands, reorganizing, packing our apartment, etc. It is hard for me to stay immobile; I have to be busy or I don’t feel productive or happy. I know that I NEED to start taking it easy and commit to the 6 weeks of recovery however so that I can go full throttle once the 6 week mark approaches. I don’t want to risk injuring myself any worse.When I have been pushing myself to get a lot done and lifting heavy things, the pain increases. I hope I haven’t already done too much damage to the incision.
I wasn’t sure when or how I would lose my “baby weight” when I was pregnant. Mike told me it would just “melt off” naturally as time went on but I was pretty skeptical about that since I had heard so many people tell me how long it takes to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight. By the start of week two I lost 25 of the 30 pounds I gained and am now only 5 pounds away from my original weight—110. Working out hard during my entire pregnancy and eating good 90% of the time truly did wonders. I feel so old having my first child—odd I know, I am only 30 but in LDS culture 30 is 60 J—and so getting back to where I started so quickly is truly a miracle. I can’t wait to hit the gym to get some of the muscle tone back that I lost and to get my abs back in ship shape. I know my back pain is a result of the absence of my pilates routine since my 2ndtrimester. I have to say despite it all, I am very content with the way I look having just delivered a baby 10 days ago.
My mom was so sweet to come in town for a week to see Beckahm and to help me out. We started the ardurous process of making a “quiet book” for Beckahm, but I didn’t realize how long and complicated the process was going to be so we cut it short, deciding to finish it when she comes back in September. She also helped fix some of my clothes that needed mending, helped me pack up what we didn’t need to use in our apartment for the next few weeks before we moved, helped me run my errands, and helped me get Beckahm’s baby pics taken at JCP. I was so grateful for all of her help. I love my mom so much; I wish she lived closer. It was incredible seeing my mom with Beckahm; he adored her. Every time he was in her arms he would get extra quiet and calm while gazing at her or falling asleep on her stomach/chest. She got him to love sleeping on his stomach. The realization that I was once like Beckahm—my mom taking care of me as a baby—hit home seeing her with Beckahm; it was a pretty emotional moment for me. I am so grateful to my dear mother who endured so much and sacrificed so much to raise me. I feel such a close bond and connection to her even more so now that I have a child of my own. It was definitely hard for me having her leave; I will miss her company.
Sunday, the day before my mom left, we had a nice celebration dinner at Judy and Ben's for Tayte’s birthday. She looked so cute in her dress. I kept thinking I couldn’t imagine Beckahm reaching his first year; it feels like he will always stay this small. Dinner was so yummy, per usual, and the company was wonderful. We love being here and being able to get together with Dave and Kimber and her family.
Being a mother has brought me more joy than I could have imagined. I finally feel like I have met one of my greatest callings in life: that of a mother. I can’t describe how much more centered I feel, confident in my own skin, and happy I am. I have so much joy inside of me now having Beckahm in my life. I feel so blessed to be able to raise such a beautiful, healthy son, and to have such an incredibly supportive husband. LIFE IS GREAT!
All of my pictures at home weeks 1-2 are posted below:
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