A Journey

Needless to say the past two weeks have not been the easiest—physically, emotionally, and mentally.

First we had to deal with Nika who was infested with fleas and as a result infested our apartment with fleas. It was the most arduous process, especially being as sick as I was; we had to deep clean every nook and cranny in our house for two days.

Amidst that ordeal, I have been experiencing the worst, most excruciating pains in my abdomen (this is saying a lot because I have had stomach pains since I was 18 years old and live with them almost daily). This pain has been unlike anything else; the only way I can describe it is like someone is wringing my stomach like a wash cloth— twisting and turning with sharp pain along with an immense burning sensation, comparable I am sure to being torched on the inside by a massive flame (all of which keeps me up at night).

On top of the pain there has been, of course, nausea (one sure blessing is I haven't thrown up yet), a few strong headaches, a really bad sinus cold . . . YUCK!

Last week I started bleeding and the following morning my symptoms seemed to disappear, or at least subside for 24 hours. That week I felt different, I felt like I had experienced a miscarriage. And then a few days later I started feeling nauseous again and unable to eat and sleep and the abdominal pain came on more severe than ever. Thinking I might have an infection because of the miscarriage, I decided it was time to make a trip to the hospital. Prior to going in I convinced Mike, who was also convinced I had a miscarriage, that it would just be a lot of time waisted waiting around and getting tests done, and so there was really no need for him to come with me. He headed off to work and I headed to multiple medical facilities before finally being accepted to the only place that didn't care if I had insurance or not: the ER.

I have to say they treated me so extremely well, I was throughouly impressed. After hooking me up to an IV and pumping me with fluid, they ran every possible test on me—blood, urine, pelvic exam, and two ultrasounds. I was 100% confident they would find something to explain why I was experiencing so much pain.

Fortunately whatever the expense is going to be it was worth it because I found out two crucial things (none of which had to do with the pain). The first surprising news was that I was still pregnant. The Dr. was doing the ultra sound, taking her sweet time and not saying a word, which made me think she wasn't finding any tissue or fluid left from the miscarriage. Then right as she was wrapping things up she said, "do you want to see what I am looking at?" I shrugged and said "it doesn't really matter to me." Moments later she turned the screen towards me and pointed out my uterus and and then pointed to the right of my uterus and said "here is your baby." You should have heard me, I yelled out "I still have a baby????" She looked at me like I was crazy and said "yes, you do!" She blew up the image and low and behold there he or she was in perfect form 8 weeks and 2 days (due date set to be May 2). I saw its little head, bum, and arms and then she told me to look real close as she unfroze the image of the baby's heartbeat which started beating as fast as a hummingbirds wings. I couldn't believe I was seeing my baby for the first time! At that point I was so bummed that Mike wasn't there with me. I felt bad he had to miss out on such a moment. Even more annoying was I had no reception in the ER so I could not get a hold of him other than a few random texts that finally got through letting him know that I was in the ER.

I sat there waiting for 2 more hours for the results shocked and astounded that I still had life in me and that Mike had no idea about the news. CRAZY!!!

The second bit of news that was pertinent to find out was that I am RH negative. I guess 85% of women are positive and so I fall in the rare blood type category. What this means is if the baby's blood mixes with mine any future baby I try and conceive will be eliminated by my body; in essence by body will treat it like it is something that is threatening my system. It is crucial to get a shot once every trimester while carrying this child in order to prevent my body from killing off any future baby.

Other than that the Dr. said he couldn't see anything wrong with me and didn't know why I was experiencing so much abdominal pain. He said it might be because I was bleeding, but he wasn't certain. He said that although it wasn't uncommon for some women to bleed during pregnancy and still delivery a healthy baby, they were going to term this pregnancy a "threatened miscarriage" for the time being.

So there we are, up and down, on the baby train then off it only to be back on it. As Jared said to Michelle "what an emotional roller coaster!" I really haven't been emotional about any of the news, thinking we miscarried and then finding out we still had the baby. I figured that if the baby was supposed to be here it would come and if not it would come another time, simple as that. I have never been overly excited about being a mother to be honest so the realization that I miscarried didn't affect me as it probably does other women, not saying it relieved me either, I just wasn't bummed out about it. However, the hardest part for both Mike and me has been readjusting plans and our mere thinking. It is hard to wrap your brain around the idea that you are going to have a child and be a parent and accept that as your future and then the next minute to accept that you are actually going to go about your normal lives, looking forward to all of the things you get to do/accomplish in the near future, to only find out that you're actually going to be a parent. WOW, talk about crazy mental adjustment. The craziest thing is that we are still not in the clearing, I could still miscarry, so there still may be some mental adjustments ahead.

All in all it has been an interesting experience. Whatever happens I am grateful for many things: 1) to know I can in fact conceive is the greatest blessing I could have asked for, 2) to have a testimony that if or when it happens I will be ready to be a mom and I know I will be a wonderful mother with many things to offer and teach my children. I also know that Mike will be the most loving, playful and doting father; 3) to know my blood type—what a blessing that was to find out; 4) to be able to actually see my baby—it's head, hands, bum, heartbeat, what a miracle. I am also grateful, despite how horrible this abdominal pain has been and the constant nausea, that I haven't thrown up yet (cross my fingers). I am starting to realize that things could always be better but they could also be a lot worse.

I am so grateful for Mike who did end up finding me in the ER and was there for me as I was getting my test results. I am grateful for his patience through this whole process, he has been so helpful and sympathetic to all of my pains, and he has done a great job at getting me foods that I crave. I love you babe!

. . . And so we continue on this journey . . .