Today was just another day that confirmed once again to me why I stay at home with the kids and that my top priority is to be their mother and be present with them.
I was busy on my phone with work and I was feeling the pressure from my job (my upline wanting me to perform more than I was) when Becks got home from school. I asked him the routine "how your day go questions" and responded that everything went fine. I was pretty much occupied with my phone most of the afternoon and I was being a little short with the kids. Well at 8pm that night as I was about to put Becks to bed he asked me if I could drive him to school tomorrow. I said sure and asked him why and he stalled a little and said he just didn't want to be rushed in the morning. I felt like I needed to dig a little deeper so I asked him if anything happened today. He kept putting off telling me and finally he said his friend Braylyn who is a lot older than him and who he saw as a friend but not anymore after today, told on him. He wouldn't tell me what he told on him about for a good while, I could tell he was scared to tell me and finally he said he got out his Pokémon cards on the bus (I guess there was a new rule that you couldn't play with cards on the bus). He said that the boy told him that the bus driver said he was suspended from the bus. I watched him as fear came over him and it broke my heart in a million pieces to see how scared and hurt he was. He started crying. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it when he got home and he said he thought I would get upset. I told him that I would never get upset about something like that, that it was a silly rule but one rule he had to follow because it was the bus drivers rule. I told him that no matter what we loved him and that we just wanted him to tell us the truth no matter what. "Mistakes and you getting in trouble doesn't matter to me as much as you lying to me or not telling me things." I told him that I wanted him to trust me and to know that I had his back, that he could tell me anything. He started sobbing. I told him that he needed to stand up for himself and to remebfer that just because someone is older than him doesn't mean they can get away with telling him something that isn't true. I had him problem solve the scenario with me when he would t believe me that he was no suspended. I told him the bus driver would have told me and him when he got off the bus if he'd been suspended and she didn't. His eyes looked like a light bulb went off, as though he didn't realize that friends could lie. He and I made a promise to one another that he would tell me the truth and that I would love him no matter what. He pinkie swore me that he'd do that. I promised him that I'd go with him to face his fear tomorrow in talking to the bus driver.
It broke my heart to know that he kept all of this inside him since after school. He even told me at some point to put my technology down. I realized that I need to keep the balance between work and being a mother the same as it is right now. The Lord gave me that confirmation when I was in Hawaii. I need to set aside people's opinions and views on how I should run my team and run it how I want to run it. I need to put my kids first always.
I also learned that I need to ask Beckahm the right questions and to consistently be telling him things that are true because he is constantly being bombarded by his peers truths. And I was reminded that mike and I need to be better at not caring about the little things that they do wrong—the crying over spilled milk incidences—and be better at allowing them to make mistakes and to feel safe in coming to us and being open and honest with us.
There is so much work to be done; parenting is so hard. It kills me to see my kids suffer and it hurts me even more to know that they don't feel like they can tell me things. I need to do better.
Becks asked me if dad was the one who wrote the letter to him instead of Santa tonight. He asked me if Santa was even real. I asked him why he was questioning that and he said that John and ash, his neighborhood friends who are much older than him told him Santa wasn't real. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want him growing up thinking I lied to him but I wasn't ready for him not to believe any more. I told him he was real and reminded him that he saw him when his sleigh broke down and he had to use the fire truck and he drive right by our apt and waved to him. He said "I totally believe in him mom!" ☺️ when he asked me why I lied to him when he's older I will tell him 1) I wasn't ready for him to lose his imagination and 2) he wasn't old enough to keep a secret and I didn't want him spoiling Amaris childhood
Becks has this cute crush on a Hispanic girl named Ana in his class. He gets all twiterpaited when he talks about her.
Becks gravitates to other ethnicities. He only has one white friend. Seeing him on his field trip was so cute, he wanted his best friends to sit by him--two Hispanic boys and one Hispanic girl (one of them barely speaks English—he told me he helps him in school). The other night at a baseball game there were so many white kids playing together and Becks went right over to one Hispanic boy and a black kid and struck up a conversation with them. I love that he's been given this experience, because we've lived in the south, of appreciating and loving all kinds of people.
The other night he said to me though, which kind of shocked me, "I am glad I was born white." Why? I asked, "because I don't want to be black, I like white." But, he said, it doesn't matter what color you are, everyone is important and you should treat everyone the same.
*i have noticed a distinct difference in Amaris speech improvement as him and Beckahm have started becoming buddies and have been more accepting and loving towards one another.
My heart burns with joy! Prayers and fasting have been answered! I have prayed for years that Beckahm and Amari would one day get a long and love each other--have a soft place in their heart for one another and I don't know what happened but the last two weeks they have been completely transformed! They are two peas in a pod; sure they still quarrel with one another but nothing like they used too. Everything Beckahm does Amari mimics/repeats, it's so endearing to watch. It's truly the only wish I ever wanted. I can't tell you what a gift this is to my heart. I have waited and yearned for so long to see them love each other, to get into mischief together, to play together for hours. Such a beautiful thing!
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